Depression and High Myopia

Four months ago, as I lay face down for those two and a half weeks of healing with a gas bubble in my eye, many of the past issues surrounding my vision problems started to come back to haunt me:

•   The stares, rude questions and comments
•   Constantly being called blind
•   Not being able to fit in
•   My disgust with my abnormal vision 
•   Mentally fighting myself to exist
  

Then I thought, and as if I hadn't dealt with enough - my retina detaches. 

I wondered, as I often do; has anyone else has gone through these issues because of their eyesight? Has anyone else ever felt as if they had to struggle mentally?

As a child I didn't know that I had high myopia. All I knew was that I needed glasses to help me see clearly. I understood that I had vision issues and that some people with vision issues wore glasses but I didn't think there was anything different about me.

Back then having to wear glasses was considered a bad thing so some kids who wore glasses would hide them or break them on purpose so they wouldn't have to endure being called "four-eyes" by other children. For me it was a lot more than just being called "four-eyes" because I had to wear glasses with a heavy prescription which were referred to as "coke bottle" glasses (eye glasses with thicker lenses that resemble the bottom of a coke bottle) which were just plain horrible. 

I was called names like four-eyes, grandma, blind girl, tri-focals, and a few other unkind things that I won't mention here.

I often felt like I was being punished for having poor eyesight. I often say that my vision issues are kind of like the middle child of vision issues because I was too "blind" to fit in with the "normally sighted," and with those who wore glasses but at the same time not "blind" enough for anyone to care about my struggle with my eyesight. I just could never ever show signs of not being able see well. It was assumed I couldn't see due to my glasses which wasn't always true but I could never admit it even in the slightest way.

At times I felt like I was broken and discarded. I was disliked, ostracized, and criticized, as well bullied and often physically threatened by my peers just because I had vision issues. It was really insane.

The stress of going through these things often weighed heavily on me mentally as well as emotionally from childhood to adulthood - the constant negativity that surrounded my vision issues seemed to affect me in every part of my life. Even when I wasn't being bothered about my vision, in my mind, I believed that I was always being judged for it by everyone around me. 

I couldn't seem to escape the negativity or change the fact that I had these vision issues and so because I felt that I couldn't control any of these things I became very depressed.

After a number of years, thankfully I started to learn about what I could control - which are my feelings. I stopped worry about fitting in, or being normal, whatever normal is. I learned to accept my "difference."  I also learned to accept that to some people my difference would always be unacceptable which was not my fault or concern. I stopped worrying about what people might think about me and often reminded myself "what others think about me is none of my business."

As I lie face down staring into my pillow thinking about these things I didn't feel too broken, but just a bit cracked around the edges, as I must admit that this experience (retinal detachment) did set me back emotionally as I again wished that my vision was normal. I wished that I didn't have to go through theses things - the physical issues that I've experienced as well as the worry of what could happen with my eyes. 

But as usual I really try to continue to have a positive outlook on things and remind myself that its also okay not feel okay at times.